a reluctant adventure

I’m revving up to step off into a little “adventure” that is not so much of my own choosing as a path I feel I’m being led down.  I am not excited about it.  I don’t want to do it at all.  I have tried pretending to myself that I can just ignore the leading, but it’s pretty persistent.  I have looked for ways to work around it, but I just keep getting brought back to it.

So, I guess I’ll do it.  I have moved from “hell no, let’s not even discuss the possibility” to kicking and screaming to passive resistance and now I’m at “okay fine, whatever, I’ll do it.”  I’d rather not, except for the simple truth that generally when I’m being led like this and I choose to yield to the leading, I don’t regret it in the end.  Scratch that – not generally.  ALWAYS.  I have never, ever regretted following when I’m being led in this fashion, but I have frequently regretted being a stubborn turd.  So here I am.

Here’s the deal:  for the month of May I am shutting off three things that are potentially escapism, numbing agents, addictive in nature, or just flat distractions.  It’s not forever.  It’s one month.  I’ve been having arguments in my head with things people around me have been saying about two of these three things (the other one, there is no argument, it is flat out evil in my life).  I’m tired of having arguments in my head; the other people don’t hear them anyway, and until I test my hypothesis, I can’t know whether I’m right.

Oh.  What are the three things, you’re wondering?

Facebook.

Netflix.

Sugar.

It’s easy to know the sugar needs to go.  I’ve done enough dietary experimentation to understand that for me, sugar is poison – a powerfully addictive substance that hijacks my self-control to a level that is horrifying, when I really look into it.  I’ve gotten off it more than once, but right now I’m back in the full sugar swing, because addiction is like that.  Time to shut it back off.  When I shut it off, the loss of its power over me feels like a literal changing of who I am.  Why do I let it back?  Well, the 12-step community doesn’t call addiction “cunning, baffling, and powerful” for nothing.

Netflix – that’s a medium-sized argument.  Yes, we “binge” our way through series.  No, I don’t live my life around it.  I used to be a very extreme TV addict; I feel like that is broken completely off for me.  Nonetheless…could I be using my time better, especially now with the weather improving?  Probably.  No harm in taking a month away from the TV screen (and at our house, it’s Netflix/Amazon Prime or nothing – we have no other form of TV available – and yes, I’m including Amazon Prime viewing in the ban for the month as well).

Facebook?  I don’t know.  I feel like all the arguments for that are “outside” of me.  I don’t feel that rush of competitive, threatening jealousy or insecure one-upsmanship that so many refer to when talking about Facebook land.  I am not sucked in by the wasting-your-life baloney that is available there – it doesn’t seem that hard to me to just scroll on by the crap to get to the good stuff.  I have great connections with people I care about, who are no longer within easy visiting distance.  I have wonderful sources there of folks I only marginally know who regularly provide links for fascinating, excellent articles.  I have the ability to know some things I can pray for folks on my feed, just by watching the nature of their posts.  Do I ever “waste time” on Facebook?  Heck yeah.  But what I waste time on there is no worse than the time-wasters I would choose in another format.

Aaaaaanyway.  I’m arguing.  And the point is not to argue.  The point is to follow the lead.  So I’ve only got a few more days before my month off.  On a funny note, I’m attending a women’s retreat later this week that will effectively knock me off of Facebook and Netflix four days early (will I come home Sunday night and check out Facebook one last time before the adventure commences?  Seems likely to me.)

If this post reads as some stupid “humble brag”…that’s not the intent.  Trying to keep it real here.  It makes sense to me to document ahead of time where I am on it, so that I can compare notes later to see what the journey was like.  For sure I am no spiritual giant for doing this – a spiritual giant would not be arguing and pouting on her way out the door, am I right?

I’ll let you know how it goes.  I have no ban on blogging, and I’m guessing with those other things cut out, I may find more time to write.  Meanwhile, we’re not there yet.  One more week to go!