considering body acceptance/positivity

Posted: February 17, 2016 in Uncategorized

A friend recently got the book Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls:  A Handbook for Unapologetic Living by Jes Baker.  She told me about it and later showed it to me, letting me thumb through.  I had to have a copy of my own.

Reading it feels scandalous.  The very notion that I could stop waiting for when my body is in the condition I’ve always wanted it to be in (and never, ever achieved) and make friends with it here and now bends my brain.

Oh, I’ve touched that place briefly.  Back when I was running, back when I was actively practicing letting God teach me to love my body each day, my body and I were friends.  It wasn’t perfect – it was a long, long way from the shape I wanted it to be – but that passage was by far the friendliest, most warm and appreciative relationship I’ve had with my body.  I really felt like I was getting there.

The arrival of arthritis coming to interrupt that process was an ugly thing.  I was only able to see in retrospect how angry that made me, how resentful…how much hope I let it steal from me.  When I’m getting through a hard thing, I’m mostly unable to access how I feel about it.  It’s only afterward that I understand.  Arthritis pissed me off, and not just a little bit.  I loved running more than I know how to express here – sometimes when I’m driving around my neighborhood the memory of how good it felt to be chugging along this same street, strong and able to go long, just about undoes me – leaves me homesick for hours.  Having running ripped away from me raised up a huge resentment in me, and I pointed that resentment right at my body, with an unconscious vengeance.  We’ve barely been on speaking terms since then.  I’ve been hating it in a pushed-under, not-ready-to-acknowledge-the-hate kind of way.

I feel like the challenges issued in this book are key in helping me work my way past that hate.  It seems important not to wait until I can figure out getting back on a badass workout regimen to move beyond the hate.  Finding a way to make peace with, love, and even appreciate my body as-is looks dangerous up front – what if I do that and lose all motivation to get in better shape?  And then I realize that a whole lifetime of struggling and fighting and resenting and hating has never once brought me the “better shape” I’m thinking of.  So how about throwing away that old broken way and trying something new?

I have NO IDEA how to get there.  But I’m reading.  And I’m praying.  And I’m pondering.  And yes, I’m still trying to make right choices for my body – not to make it “hot,” which seems like the most lost of lost causes, but just to be good to it.  Love your enemy and all that, eh?

Maybe I can find a way to love it – to LIKE it, even – right here at size 22.

I wonder what that would be like.

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Comments
  1. billsmockins@frontiernet.net says:

    Yes, when you get that figured out, you MUST share with the rest of us!  I’m assuming it’s part of the accepting God’s perfect plan for us and choosing to respect and love what he created us to be!

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