notes from the yuck storm

Posted: December 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

I’m tired.  Winter always does a number on me, with its limited daylight and the lack of refreshing working-in-the-garden time.  As usual, I’m juggling hard to keep a lot of balls in the air, which too many nights results in what I call “working dreams.”  These are the ones in which I “work” over and over again, what feels like all night long, on a certain task in my dream, only to never make the slightest bit of progress on it in the dream…and then wake up exhausted in the morning.  G’s work schedule has been crazy-making, as he’s being continually shuffled between several different “shifts,” which keeps resulting in what I’ve seen referred to as “the clopen” – that unfortunate circumstance when one must hurry home from work to go directly to bed after working a later shift (“closing”), because the next day’s is opening (get it?  “closing” and “opening” – the “clopen”).  He manages it well, as he is able to understand it as necessary and just deal with what is.  On the other hand, his wife, not so much, as she keeps hoping that each schedule cycle will be the last, and then harboring too many resentments  when something consistent doesn’t materialize.  Part of that is my need to grow up and deal with it, and part of it is a physical reaction to an inconsistent sleep schedule.

So this morning finds a lot of things converging in a way that leaves me focused negatively.  I’ve had “working dreams” for three nights running.  In my daytime life, I’ve got one situation that feels like a “working dream” as well…working and doing all that I know to do, and seeing what feels like zero progress.  Last night was another “clopen” night, and it coincided with our Growth Group night, which keeps me up a full two hours past the 6:30 bedtime that we’ve been resorting to in order to cope with the frequent 3 AM starts.  The 3 AM bellyache is mild when I go to bed at 6:30…but after an 8:30 night?  Kind of excruciating.  And there are half a dozen or so fairly severe things happening in various realms of my life that look like reasons to doubt, to fear, or to be discouraged.  All of this has left me grumpy and filled with negative thoughts that circle continuously around on themselves.  My 40 minutes spent in prayer this morning as part of the 40 day journey did not alleviate the problem at all. Poor G faced one seriously grumpy and struggling woman over his breakfast/our prayer and devotional time this morning before I took him to work.

In this, I am not special.  Anyone reading this blog goes through these passages from time to time, and  sometimes for long stretches at a time.  We always think our pain and discomfort are somehow different than, or exceptional, or more severe, or more noteworthy, or rarer, or harder to understand than the pain and discomfort of others.  This of course is almost always unmitigated bullsh*t.  There is nothing new under the sun, especially and including my little temporary blustering storm of  yuck.  It has particular details, but it all just boils down to the human experience – we live in a broken world, and some parts of it are hard.

I only know one thing to do, when it gets like this:  pull my focus off of feelings, circumstances, and problem-solving, and just turn to look more fully at who God is and who I am in Him.  I’m gonna go do that how – I’m led there most easily by certain music, but that’s not the only avenue.

What gets you there?  Don’t forget to use it, during your next storm of yuck.

Here’s to a cheerier next blog entry – bring it on!

 

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