a year without war

Posted: August 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

Here is the biggest surprise for me on this, our 358th day since the wedding, and three years into knowing one another:  G and I have not yet had our first fight.  One of my besties asked about that, a few weeks ago.  “Have you guys ever had a fight?” and I sheepishly said that no, we have not (isn’t it funny that it makes me feel sheepish, admitting it?!) and her astonishment matched mine as she said, “You know, I THOUGHT that was so!” 

If you had told me a year or two ago that a couple were married for a year without so much as a single fight, I’d have said that they were either lying about that, or one or both of them was not being honest with the other.  It’s just not possible, is it?

Well, here’s the thing:  I’m not saying it’s been all sunshine and roses. 

I’ve been crabby with G on a number of occasions. He has been crabby with me (once.) 

We have disagreed to a mild degree (things like I’m a liberal, he’s conservative.)  We have disagreed to a degree strong enough that it was hard to have the conversation (things like our different perspectives on fundamentalism.) 

Many days – most days, even, maybe? – he does things in ways that I would not do them.  In ways that provoke the “control issues woman” in me to want to roar into Bossy Corrective Mode. 

We both struggle from nasty little whispering voices that denigrate and degrade us – voices that we struggle to disbelieve.  Voices that call us bad names and question our intelligence and shout that we are generally unlovable.  Those voices have cause me A LOT of meltdowns in the past year, and G has had two of his own, as well. 

It’s not that everything is perfect and/or easy.  This is no Pollyanna bullshit here. 

It’s simply this, I guess:  I am G’s greatest advocate and defender.  G is my greatest advocate and defender. 

When I’m having a meltdown, G is fighting to protect me from myself and all the demons. 

When G is struggling, I’m battling to speak louder to him than the voices.

When I’m tempted to be sharp and bitchy with G, the voice inside of me demanding love and fairness and humor is a stronger voice than my petty need to have things done my way. 

When I’m secretly struggling and doing my best to hide it, he suddenly hits the floor and starts praying, out of the blue – he just KNOWS that something is up, even if he doesn’t know what. 

I don’t think that would have happened if we hadn’t had to wait so long and trust God so much before we found each other.  I think the waiting and the suffering and the struggling to hope were all necessary tools to shape us into people of peace and great compassion, each for the other.  i think if we had come together long ago, quickly and easily and of our own making, we’d have fought like cats and dogs.  I think so.  I for sure have a history of that kind of behavior, and G tells me that he also once upon a time was a very angry man.  It took a lot of pain to shape us into who we are able to be to one another.

And the other thing is bigger:  we intentionally invite the Lord, pretty much every single day, to be the center, the boss, the purpose, the guiding voice controlling this relationship.  It – our marriage – is for Him, not for us.  We ask Him daily to teach us how to be a husband and wife.  We ask Him together.  I’m very aware from experience that on my own, I get this wrong – and G is humble enough to not presume.  God is faithful to teach us the things we want to know badly enough to accept any answer He gives. 

Will we ever have a fight?  Oh boy.  That sure seems likely to me.  I don’t see how any two people could navigate a whole life together without any fights.

But I’m inviting God to prove my doubt unfounded.  It’s just crazy enough a prayer that – who knows? – it just maybe could be possible. 



  1. I’m not entirely surpirsed. My marriage is similar. Going on 18 years fight-free.

    • karen says:

      That is AWESOME, Glen! Thanks for a glimpse of hope!!!

      I was continually amazed, when I lived at JPUSA, at watching so many really great marriages. I think that community could teach the greater church a lot, on that front!

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