perhaps it has passed

Posted: January 29, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am cautiously hopeful tonight.  For several hours, I have not felt at all like crying.  I think maybe this thing is passing!

It has been a strange passage.  It has felt like “maybe depression” but also maybe not.  After all, food still tastes good.  Jokes still make me laugh.  Touch is still really great.  I’ve still been glad to see and spend time with my peeps.  Conversation has still had meaning.  Work has still been challenging, interesting, and pleasant. 

The bad part started like this:  G and I were cuddling, and I was in happiness overdrive mode, and then in an instant I had this rush of certainty, an inner voice that said, “You’re really pretty disgusting.  You probably smell bad and he probably just loves you too much to say so.” 

Thoughts like this are not standard for me.  It freaked me out.  It was all I could do not to get up and just run to the shower.  Unfortunately, I also didn’t find a way to discuss this with him.  For the next several days, I woke up every morning already worried about this issue before I was even fully awake.  I was stepping into the shower before I would even deal with G at all…and not mentioning my fear of being disgusting. 

After several days of that haunting me all day, the yuck didn’t even need the narrative of that story to hold on to me.  I’ve just been walking around feeling bruised.  While working, while conversing, while joking, while eating, while making love, while writing, while zoning out in front of a movie with G…any time, all the time, I have felt the full range of GOOD emotions, but I felt ALSO like I had been crying all day, for days on end, and like I was about to break into sobbing that might not stop, once it started. 

The fact that this feeling was not connected to anything current or real has not helped me to separate myself from it in the least.  No amount of talking logic, of thinking positive, of focusing elsewhere has made the slightest dent in the giant wave of grief and pain and shame that have sunk their claws into me.  Have I been praying?  Yes.  Doing my part to keep moving forward?  Yes. 

I have felt like a jerk, day after day, as people who love me ask if I’m feeling better yet and I couldn’t answer in the affirmative.  Felt like I was being a petulant child, somehow refusing my healing, holding onto the hurt, too bratty to move on already.  I have felt really ashamed of not being able to just get over it already.  (Note:  not a single person said or did a single thing that made me feel like that.  It was all in inside job!)

The worst part was very early this morning, when I had the sudden thought:  maybe this is how mental illness begins.  After all, I’ve worked with plenty of people who didn’t start out mentally ill, but then somehow they ended up that way.  While some maybe did things that pushed them there, like drug abuse, others didn’t seem to have “brought it on themselves.”  They didn’t make a plan to become mentally ill.  They just ended up there.  What if this was that?  What if this dual set of conflicting, coexisting feelings was just the beginning of my descent?  I’m not gonna lie:  this thought just about scared me to death.

God is good.  I was talking with Him about it all in the shower (silently in my head, because I sure as heck could not find the courage to form this all as spoken words) and He was quick to remind me who He is, and who I am in Him.  I mean, He didn’t say, “No, you’re not going there,” but He did fill me with comfort that no matter what is going on, He is here, and He is good, and He loves me, and that is enough.

So I am deeply relieved and grateful to now have gone several hours without feeling like I’m going to break down.  The lightness of the absence of that yuck is a beautiful thing.  I am hopeful – tentative, yes, but hopeful.  It seems like it has gone.  I am not insisting within myself that it must be coming back.  I am holding onto hope, even if I don’t feel certainty yet.

What a strange passage. 




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