playing dead with a grizzly bear

Posted: January 28, 2014 in Uncategorized

I can’t imagine ever wanting to visit Yellowstone Park.  On one hand, it is filled with natural wonders and beauty.  But – much more importantly to me – it has grizzly bears.  I can’t imagine ever voluntarily placing myself within reach of a grizzly.  I guess you could say I have a phobia of them, self-induced by reading too many awful stories about grizzly bear attacks.  I can’t read such stories without also trying to learn strategies for dealing an attack..  One tactic suggested (if you can’t just get the heck away) is to play dead.  The idea is that the grizzly will lose interest if he thinks you’re no longer live prey. 

My approach to this wave of depression or spiritual oppression or whatever it is feels somewhat related to the grizzly bear attack strategy.  I am mostly just trying not to tempt it to mess with me further.  I am continuing to keep a regular schedule.  I am doing the things I know to do.  I am focusing on getting my work done, on making normal conversation, on smiling, on not spending my days talking about feeling bad.  I’m not so much trying to “fake it” in the sense of hiding, but rather just trying to play dead to this thing that seems to have its hands around my neck. 

I feel like I do that reasonably well at work.  By the time I get home from work, my stamina is run down and the yuck is more visible.  By the time G gets home from work and we get behind closed doors, I’m pretty much out of steam, so he is the unfortunate knower of the junk that is inside my head.

I’ve been surprised, though, by people who don’t read my blog, don’t have any reason to guess that I’m struggling, and spot it anyway.  A coworker, my boss, and a friend – all three spotted it amidst ordinary conversations in which I thought I was projecting “normal” pretty well.  All three disrupted the flow of everyday pleasantries and small talk to ask with real concern whether I am okay.  All three times, I was touched at that feeling of having been known, seen, and watched over.  I’m so grateful for that.

I’m absolutely terrible, amidst such conversations.  All I can manage is the shortest sentences I know how to construct, hurrying the conversation away from how I feel.  I used to be such a complainer and a gossip, and the *good* motivation I have for my reluctance to talk about it – I just don’t want to go back there.  On the other hand, my less noble – well, let’s tell the truth, my PRIDEFUL reason for reluctance is the nearness of my emotions to the surface. 

Take today.  My boss asked if I was okay.  In the space of the 4 or so very short sentences it took to talk my way out of the conversation, tears started running down my face.  Ugh.  He was wonderful – he always is.  No reason to be reluctant to talk to him.  I was just so darn uncomfortable with my loss of composure at work.  It made me feel unprofessional, you know? 

It’s not about professional or not – I was just as quick to try to change the topic away from me when a friend asked.  I’m just plain reluctant to fall apart in front of others, and this thing has me feeling on the edge of doing just that.  So I don’t know how to talk about it.

It occurs to me that my word for 2014 – SPEAK – probably applies here.  I am very unhappy at this thought.  For sure, I am not excited about the idea of growing in a way that means losing it in front of others.  I am indeed one very prideful woman. 

I don’t know.  I don’t have big answers tonight.  I have frustration, because thus far while i can choose how to act and what to say or not say, I can’t find a way to choose not to feel so bad, so blue, so upset so much of the time.  It is illogical.  It is irritating.  I’d like it to just go away.  How does this happen, that I am rolling gleefully, happily, peacefully through newlywed life and then this 25 year old thing comes blasting back through and tosses me in a pit?  IT MAKES NO SENSE. 

For now, I’ll just keep doing what I know to do.  And trusting that God is working it out in me.  And trying not to yell at Him to HURRY UP ALREADY. 

  1. linda says:

    hurry up all ready is legitimate yell my friend. we all go through these spells and these ugly things like to come after us just when we are the happiest. nothing that is coming against you is really. only real things are what your Lord and King says about you. You are a daughter of the one true King and are perfect. He calls you lovely…He gave you the man you asked Him to. just keep yelling and claining every promise your Lord gave to you!! you are so special my friend, keep believing that. and tell those thoughts and feelings: get behind me satan, you have no place here!! love you

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