kind of a progress report, i guess

Posted: December 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

Nearly four months into marriage, I am continually surprised at what a different wife I am than I was the first time around.  It’s something I’ve noticed almost daily. Former-wife Karen would not have recognized the current me as herself AT ALL, had we somehow done the whole time-travel thing and met each other.

I focus my thoughts differently.  When I notice that G does things differently or sees things differently than I do, I don’t straight to defending or advocating for my perspective – not even in my head.  My new default is to step back and try to see through his eyes.  While this doesn’t automatically mean I always go with his way (and he is awesomely flexible in his willingness to go my way often), it DOES mean that I stop and consider that his way might be as valid as mine – or maybe even more so.  This is not the old me.

I frame my words differently. I don’t feel the need to say every thought that crosses through my head – I can let go of a whole lot, and I notice that many things will simply dissipate if I choose not to voice them.  When I do speak my thoughts, I consider them first – not in a manipulative way that might help me “win,” and not in a codependent way that might help me to “be pleasing, ” which were my former defaults most of the time.  Now I consider and find ways of approach that are life-building and affirming – that will build the health of our relationship, work us toward unity and not do the whole “power struggle” thing.  Old Karen was very much about the power struggle. 

My priorities are different.  Independence and self-reliance have been my priorities for most of my adult life.  That played itself out in my first marriage as the two of us mostly living as “married singles,” meaning:  separately, for the most part.  At the time, I blamed it on my now-ex.  Looking back, I can see that I was not a bit less responsible than he was for that separation.  My priority has now shifted dramatically away from independence and self-reliance, into more of a “team” mode.  I see all of life now through an “us” filter, not a “me” filter.  

It’s a fun thing to process.  A lot of healing.  A lot of growing up.  A lot of outgrowing selfish ways. 

A lot of joy. 

Change.  I’m awfully grateful for every single thing God brought me through to bring me to this place of willingness to be changed. 

And surprised at what a gift that change is.

 

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