courage doesn’t look very courageous in the moment sometimes

Posted: August 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

An old hurt rose up recently.  It has poked at me unexpectedly, surprising me amidst happy moments with a sucker punch to the gut.  It is history – over and done, and logic tells me that it can’t touch me today.  Except that it HAS touched me, over and over, and my only defense has been refusal to react, and quiet prayer.  I haven’t been able to talk about it.  I just couldn’t.

This morning it was back with particular viciousness, and it made me want to retreat into a protective shell of silence.  But in that moment, I remembered promises I made on my wedding day – a very specific promise that I would not retreat or withdraw from my husband.  It took a lot more courage than I felt like I I had.  Somewhere in my mind,   Karen Who is Healed had to gently take Wounded and Afraid Karen by the hand and just hold her to the promise.  

That was a scary thing to do because of all the lies that were talking so loudly.  Ridiculous, clearly-not-true things that sounded believable in the moment:  that maybe G would be mad at me for sharing…stuff like that. 

Sometimes you just have to do it anyway.  Speak up when all you want to do is retreat – when hiding seems like the only safe place to be.  I had to trust in what I KNOW of G, and not let the lies win, no matter how much part of me believed them in the moment.

You know what is on the other side of courage?  Healing, of course.  This morning, I found courage…and that old hurt has already (I think) lost a lot of its power to poke at me.  In the trust was a growing-together space, of course.  If I had listened to all the “DON’T SAY IT” voices within me, I’d have missed that chance. 

I’m grateful for the courage. 

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