s-e-x, His way

Posted: August 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

There is a popular opinion out there that the notion of “waiting for marriage” is an antiquated and unworkable proposition – that it is unattainable, unwise, unreasonable.  It is too much to ask, many believe.  More than one person has told me that they would never consider marrying someone they hadn’t “tried out” to be sure about sexual compatibility.  It is too important an area to risk failure, is the thought near the root of the subject.  I say NEAR the root, because the ACTUAL root is:  not trusting God. 

I didn’t understand what God’s deal was for a long, long time.  It seemed like He just wanted to make up rules to kill our fun – to set a bar too high for us to attain.  It seemed like He was the cosmic cop, killing our joy just because He could, requiring unreasonable discipline from us for no discernible reason. 

To be honest, when I first “went there,” I was just a child not even understanding what I was getting into, for real – I remember wondering to myself, the first time, if this was what my mom was talking about that time when we had “the sex talk,” unfortunately timed by the necessity of explaining what it meant, that a sixth-grade classmate had been raped on her walk home from school.  It wasn’t a matter of WANTING anything except to be loved – and being willing to give whatever it took to get that.  It was a trade – this for that. 

Later, I knew what I was doing but the real live person whispering those 3 important words in my ear was nearer than the God who, I thought, probably already found me disgusting for having crossed the line.  Oh well.  Might as well go ahead.  My compliance was born of hopelessness.

It wasn’t until my divorce that I came around to seeing that the way I had done things hadn’t worked…and that maybe I should try God’s way.  Maybe I should wait for marriage.  I did it badly at first, having no idea how to set parameters and no understanding of the many places my heart needed to be guarded, to keep my body in check. 

Here is my message of hope, to any of you out there who are trying it God’s way and finding it somewhere between this is not easy and this is damned near impossible:  IT IS WORTH IT.  Long term celibacy does not have to be a death sentence – it can be a joyful thing, even if it isn’t easy.  It can only be walked out one day, one moment, one breath at a time, and any attempt to imagine going the long haul is liable to make you want to give up.  Don’t dwell on the long haul.  Be obedient NOW and He will carry you through the long haul.  I know He will.  He did it for me. He did it for Gary, for almost as long as me. 

Here is the really, really good news:  you don’t have to test drive your partner.  You can know enough about them by non-bedroom behaviors to know what’s going on.  You can watch their character.  You can pay attention to the way they treat all people, not just you.  You can note a lot of things about their physicality if you will just pay attention.  And it can all be done with your clothes on, without doing a single thing you’d need to feel sorry about later. 

I’ve tried the other way and I remember that there was always a level of shame and a degree of distrust in the running ahead of the plan.  I won’t over share here – y’all don’t need to know the specifics of our love life – but let me just say:  togetherness with ZERO shame and 100% trust:  WOW.  I wouldn’t have the words to quantify it even if I did want to try.  Just this:  I’ve nagged at God a bit since I turned 40, 7 years ago.  Hey God – supposedly this is my sexual peak, and I’m passing through it celibate.  Why are You requiring me to miss out during the best possible years?  It was not a happy or even friendly conversation, on my end.  I assure you today:  nothing was lost.  Apparently He was holding it all for just the right time.  NOTHING was lost. 

I spent a pretty good chunk of today in tears.  Not sadness.  Just gratitude at the freedom and healing and wonder of how much better this way is than what I ever tried before.  God gave that to me – to US – even though we got it wrong so many times in our past. 

You can have it too. 

Please, please, PLEASE:  don’t settle for less. 

  1. Pam Spangler says:

    thanks Karen for another insightful writing-I look forward to these they touch my heart more than you will ever know

  2. CONGRATULATIONS!!! And thank-you for writing this, it is so encouraging. I also have wondered if I messed up what ‘could have been’. I believe what you said – I could have it too! Congratulations again! May you both be blessed beyond your imagination!

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