on love that doesn’t seek to change

Posted: July 6, 2013 in Uncategorized

When Gary and I were first talking in a “pursuit” kind of way, one day he approached the subject of fashion.  Were certain items he likes to wear okay with me?  The items in question were of the very non-mainstreamish sort, including and especially a 3/4 length black coat complete with 80s metal studs all over the collar and a huge block of scripture written all the way down its back – I don’t know who else I know besides Gary, who could pull THAT off. 

That kind of question is tricky for me to answer without sounding lecture-ish, because to me it’s a very important point, the business of me not trying to change him, not trying to boss him around, not trying to bend him into something other than what he is.  I feel very, very strongly on this point.  So I think I came off kind of gruff and grumpy – kind of, “DO NOT ask me if it’s okay!  OF COURSE it’s okay!” 

I mean, it’s nice – GREAT, even – that my opinion matters to him.  But I fell in love with him for exactly who he was and is, down to the details.  I don’t WANT to change his style!  I want to embrace him exactly as he is, and I revel in the fact that vice versa is true – I’ve not yet heard him try to or even want to change anything about me.  I get to JUST BE ME with and for him, and that’s a gift many never get to enjoy in their relationships. 

Last week I visited him in Chicago, and he sent some things home with me.  Stuff that he can get by without until the wedding.  This will lighten the (already light) load on moving day.  He filled the back seat of my car with crates and I hauled it home, stuffing it in the garage.  Today I moved a big floor lamp out to my storage unit, and picked up a bookshelf I had there to put in the place where the lamp used to sit, beside the dresser I have set aside for him.  I carried the crates in from the garage and spent some time unpacking them. 

Soon, I was hooting with laughter and texting my daughter about it.  5 Godzilla movies!  5 Planet of the Apes movies!  A movie called, “Earth Vs. the Flying Saucers!”  And all manner of alien and space-themed movies.  I sorted and sorted, and giggled and chuckled. 

And fell even more in love with him than I already was. 

No, I don’t want to change him.  Don’t want to re-write his wardrobe – cannot even imagine him in mainstream clothes – when I try to imagine it, my face contorts into unpleasant expressions.  Don’t want to change his DVD collection – not even the Godzilla movies.  Don’t want to change the things he says to me from time to time that make me burst out laughing and saying, stunned, “You just SAID THAT TO ME!” 

Why would I change the things that make Gary, Gary?  Why would I try to form him into someone who would fade into the stream of People Trying to Look Like Other People?   I think God knew just what He was doing, giving me a character like my fiance – who will love a character like me. 

Just as I am.



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