avoidance queen, and a cat escapes its supposedly unopenable bag

Posted: March 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

Gary and I stayed in touch after I moved back from JPUSA.  Nothing major.  Just some Facebook messages and texts.  I always had a confusing range of reactions, at the sight of his messages.  Gladness and a quickened heartbeat.  Frustration.  Irritation – why bother now?  I was 4 hours away.  Longing.  And a continual wondering – would I get to go back?  If I did, how would it be with the 2 of us?  There were sweet, thoughtful messages when I blogged about difficult things or the meanness of others.  There was a Valentine’s Day message.  There were just little short talks about nothing.

I was intentionally pretty brief with him.  No need to stir any fires within me…or within him either, for that matter.  No need to invest emotional energy while we were still so far apart.  I would enjoy the talk for a few lines, and then intentionally busy myself elsewhere.

And when I visited the house – there he always was.  Smiling.  Attentive.  Sitting down right beside me at every chance.  His hugs were exponentially better than they had been before I left.  He prodded me – when might I be returning?  He urged me to visit more often.  What was the deal with this guy?  I mean, I loved the attention…but why NOW?  What was the point?  (I would learn much later that just before I had left, one of his friends had finally clued him in, that it seemed perhaps I had more than a passing interest in him.) 

I really enjoyed seeing him.  And I really didn’t entertain thoughts about it much beyond that.  God sent me back for a reason.  My job was to embrace where He sent me, not sabotage myself with wishful thinking.  While my heart was still in Chicago and my hope was still that somehow, someday, it might work out that we could be together…that didn’t look to be the case.  I was moving on.  I was kind of all business on this point.  I was even checking out another possibility (and if you’ve been around a bit, you already read about that here.) 

Then came the phone call that would shift everything.

I was on vacation, at my daughter’s house.  My JPUSA girlfriend, that confidante who knew my whole secret saga, called me up.  That was unusual.  We don’t really *do* phone conversations.  But she had important news – something we needed to talk about right away, if I was available.

It was about Gary.   She had unexpectedly ended up at the lunch table with him.  They had spoken of many things.  And then – she swore, she had no idea how this happened – “I told him everything about the way you feel about him.” 

Umm.  WHAT?!!  This was the last thing I expected to hear.  I had easily shared with her because she’s one of those people – you tell her something and it’s in the vault.  She told him EVERYTHING?  Like…EVERYTHING?!  Yes, everything.  He was aware how long, how much I had hoped.  The cat was out of the bag.

I wanted to be mad at her, but really I couldn’t.  The way it had happened was so strange, so unexpected, that I only knew to guess that God was doing something.  So I wasn’t mad at her.

But freaked out? 

OH.  YES. 


  1. so Now I am starting to see why you are a Stephen King fan… you know how to leave one hanging!!! actually, I am really enJOYing this unfolding story and staying “caught up” with your posts is Now making me wish I’d let a few of them pile up again. the suspense the suspense!!!

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